How to Find Yourself - be authentically you - TSM 06
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Hey everyone! welcome back to show! this is your host Amy Wang-Hiller, a professional violinist and a doctoral student, bringing you another solo episode of Thrive x Strive Musician Podcast. If you have already listened to our last episode, me and my friend Luke have briefly touched upon the idea of "being authentic and find things makes you happy". Today we will talk about how to find yourself in this information-saturated world and how to stay centered with knowing who you really are. So Enjoy this ride with me to my personal story and my thoughts on this topic.
Hi, if you are new, welcome to the Thrive x Strive Musician Podcast. this is a weekly podcast where we dive into the personal development as musicians to create a healthy living with mental clarity & vibrancy. My goal is to provide musicians healthy tools and wisdoms for you to implement in your personal and professional life.
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"Be yourself, Everyone else is already taken" - Oscar Wilde.
Even though kids bullied me for wearing thick lens glasses and was bad-mouthing that the white princess dress my mom bought me looks like a funeral gown for the deceased...my mom has been the one continuously feeding me positive information about myself.
The quote that proclaimed to be taken from Oscar Wilde's writing isn't really that original. As early as 1967, a influential spiritual thinker Thomas Merton has already published an essay referring to the idea of "being yourself" So what? well, if the importance of being yourself has already been brought up by those more than half-century old influential leaders, why some of us are still struggling of finding our true selves? If you are completely authentically YOU, I will give you a big round of applause. But wait, before that, let's think about some of our beliefs and values, are they all really coming from you? We all know that the world we live in is completely saturated with information. But more to that, we are facing an opinion overload. Unconsciously, our own identity, beliefs, and values are shaped by the society and culture we live in. The younger version of me will agree, it was a heck of a struggle. If you are an international student, or you have been studying or living in another country, you will more likely to find the story I'm about to share relatable. So I grew up in Shanghai, the culture won't really make a big different in my early age mental development nor sculpting my personality. But I was always youngest in my class, even the neighborhood I was living in. Like everyone else, I wanted to go out and play after my violin practice. Those kids, as I called them "older sisters" in Mandarin Chinese “JieJie”, weren't willing to share their game time with me. The result of that was me picking up the skill of following others, pleasing them, and adapting fairly quick in a new environment. It seems like not a big deal.
But as grew up, I found it difficult to go against the flow. As much as I wanted to be a thought-leader, think outside of the box, I didn't quite develop in that sense. It was okay for me to follow along when i was growing up since my mom is a very opinionated women, which was awesome. Even though kids bullied me for wearing thick lens glasses and was bad-mouthing that the white princess dress my mom bought me looks like a funeral gown for the deceased...my mom has been the one continuously feeding me positive information about myself. But somehow, I was still compelled to believe those bullying "sisters". Since I was never intentionally practiced for self-awareness, I was definitely not ready for dealing with the new age of opinion overload.
remember came to the U.S. and being told that no one wore skirt dresses unless is special occasion... of course I know that isn't true long ago.
It really became a problem when I came into the United States. I think this is where I felt very difficult to prepare today's show. I was procrastinating on embracing the vulnerability of sharing this. But I know it will help some of you to understand the "authenticity" better. So, I was unconsciously undergoing the culture shock so to speak. My adaptability has been applied to its fullest capacity here. As I literally knowing nothing about this new environment back in my master's at Louisiana State University, I started taking any information into account. I was a girly girl, but as soon as my friend told me that no one wore skirt, dresses here during the day, I packed up all my dress into the suitcase I came here with to avoid being the weird one. As soon as my boyfriend joked about the amount of lace is in my mom's clothing choice and pointed out the resemblance me and my mom, I started unconsciously avoiding buying any girly outfits. Now, things didn't just stop here, from clothing, to makeup, to food, and even my music. It's the idea of "SHOULD", as I should like American food so I can fit in, or I should just fake it until I make , not knowing that I was gradually losing myself in the game. There was a detachment between the person I see in the mirror and the one deep hidden inside of me. And eventually it became my default mode. I guess a sense of grief that happening around the fact that I know I was losing that authentic self. So many decisions in my life at that point were a collage of others' vision board. It wasn't until I survived from the darkest time in my life - battling two years with my mental health issues, I realized that many of my preferences have changed. Quite often, I hear my husband asking "how I am no longer liking such and such". However, it still took me this extra year and half to really find myself fully again. I'm okay to like the girly thing just as mom still does now. And I have to be honest, our shanghai noodles with carbonara sauce to me taste 10 times better than spaghetti. And when I heard Augustin Hadelich featured me on the cover of his collaboration project, I was going to jump and scream the hell out of lung, and not think that damn!! I'm too hyper...or hypo? Nah! No one can tell me how the real Amy should act. And this is just my way of expressing my real happiness and joy. Once a while, I felt like this me is a bit unrecognizable', but this has been the happiest and most aligned year so far since I've been here in the states. the first 2 years almost felt like a dream. Now I look back, it's been a blur whatever happened.
So doesn't matter if you are like me immigrating to another country or not, we all carry some limiting beliefs that were taught by our parents, friends, and society. How can you be yourself if they perception of who you are isn't really who you truly are?
Disclaimer here: the real you still will change through time. changes are normal and inevitable. Our personality does evolve overtime as we grew up and become more mature. As we adapting the values we feel aligned with, we will be in the alignment of our energy and vibrations- in another sense - we will thrive. But more often, we took someone else's successful journey as our blueprint for our path. The need for approval from others and certainty we all tend to love pushes us to live in other people's life. We are scared of asking the little voice inside of us because it is uniquely you. And you know people around you would start to questioning your choice, I felt like I was definitely going to face the comment of stereotypical Asian. So how to find your true self? it needs awareness, courage, and practice.
Firstly, we need awareness of our own biases as Mark Manson mentioned in his article "why you can't trust yourself" For every beliefs you have, start asking yourself "where did this idea come from?". and is my deep internal self feeling the alignment with this idea. The thoughts or beliefs can be as small as "I hate broccoli they taste nasty" - but if you have never tried them, or "I can't wear a certain type of cloth because i'm not 16 anymore." to beliefs you held that formed your identity, like "I'm not a great musician because I haven't won such and such competition", the example last week Luke mentioned "I don't like Stravinsky it's too contemporary for me.", or "my life would be meaningless if I can't get into that orchestra."
So I learned the phrase "the map is not the territory" in my NLP training. the originated from Afred Korzybski during his presentation in 1931. We are the one set our own limits or use an incorrect model as things should be. But in fact, it's far from the truth. I use meditation and journaling to raise my awareness.
Secondly, Self-awareness takes practice, so as courage. Being aware is the most important step, but without courage to accept that true internal voice, or embrace the unique part of you, we will still be in the misalignment with ourselves. The journey each of us will always be unique an suit for you, and you only. If we compare ourselves to others, we are basically belittling our true self's values. So take small steps, If you find more alignment and happiness in pursuing things other than music or moving to a different country too adventurous, try to make small but courageous actions in life even if it's just finally order a dish different from the rest of your friends' orders. wear a piece of clothing that you love but afraid of others' comments. Eventually, you will be able to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity for bigger decisions.
I want end our today's episode with two best quotes I found resonating the most by Dr, Steve Maraboli:
Don't dilute yourself for any person or any reason. You are enough! Be unapologetically you.
When you are living the best version of yourself, you inspire others to live the best versions of themselves.
Next week, we have Dr. Arna Alyane Marton - a violinist with PHD in music performance and a beauty lifestyle YouTuber - on our show, talk about her journey through recovery from burn out, how to prevent it, how to deal with our anxiety and our perfectionistic thinking, and so much more.
So talk you all next week!
Be unapologetically you.
Resources:
Article: Mark Manson's article - Why You Can't Trust Yourself https://markmanson.net/trust
Book: Stumbling on happiness by Daniel Todd Gilbert https://amzn.to/3gQPiIa
Video: FIND YOURSELF - The Motivational Video That Will Change Your Future https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrFiryKOS30